My New Years Resolution

I can't believe another year has come and gone. We are already 3 days into 2009. My New Years Resolution this year is that I will try to not blink!! It seems that every time I do blink, time has flown by and my babies are much older.
Devin is now 14 and half way through the 9th grade. The braces are about to come off and soon he will grow into those huge feet. Girls are no longer icky and to be avoided at all costs. Where did my baby go? I vividly recall that day when I first got to look into those baby blue eyes and the look he gave me as if to say " I'm not a girl and you don't even mind it!" I remember his first step, first day of preschool, the day he got baptised. It seems like it just happened, but it was so long ago.
Sierra is 12 and in 7th. I don't know for sure when it happened, but she is beautiful! I guess I didn't see it because everyone says she looks just like me and I am not beautiful. But on Christmas Sunday, my little girl was a drop dead gorgeous young lady who turned heads all day. How did that happen? When did that happen? And now she wants a new hairstyle and to wear makeup like the other girls in church. I want her to always be my little girl.
Mackenzie is 10 and in 5th grade. She is still a little girl sometimes and sometimes I get a glimpse into my future when she flips her hair over her shoulder and flirts or when she shows some attitude or pushes the rules. She is my outspoken one, my people pleaser. She could easily be influenced to worldly ways, shows, music. I must pray more and work harder on training her to do right no matter what. Don't get me wrong, she's a good girl. She is kind, respectful, obedient, helpful, considerate. All of my kids are great and I get daily compliments on what wonderful kids they are. And Mackenzie has dedicated her life to God and she meant it. But I am her momma and so I worry. I want the best and I know how easily a mistake can happen and how those mistakes can forever alter your life.
Tanner is almost 8 and in 3rd grade. He is a handful and a bundle of energy, but also the sweetest, most caring and tender little boy you could ever meet. He is known as the little preacher or "the future" narrator/pastor/missionary/etc. He has a heart for God that is so very visible. He is still a brilliant child, and yet not really a little boy any more. He is now a handsome young man and growing so big.
After losing Colton and then almost losing Tanner, I struggle with letting go of my two "little" ones. I know that I must, but it is so hard to even let go a little. I know the pain of burying a child. I know the pain of hearing "There's nothing we can do." I know the fear, the heartache, the depression, the regrets, the could have beens. And I am afraid. I know I need to trust God and let go. I work on it daily because my boys are not about to be held back. They have plans to do big things and I can watch with pride from the sidelines, but not run along behind in case they scrape their toes.
And my sweet little Keegan is nearly 6. He still looks like a 4 year old, and I'm OK with that! He's dainty and petite and the most beautiful child I have ever seen. He is also a little spitfire who can hold his own against the older 4. He and Tanner are strong willed, and I pray daily for God to control them in every step, thought, deed. But even Keegan is growing up. My sweet baby is now a little boy and if I blink, I know he will make the progression to big boy, young man, young adult, adult. I know time will march on and even my last born, my bonus baby, will grow up and that saddens me.
And so, I resolve, that this year, I WILL NOT BLINK! I will hold on to every moment with each of my children and cherish it, for it is a moment that I can never get back, never relive. Time will march forward as it has always done and I must choose to either fight it every step of the way and miss the small details because I am so busy fighting a certainty, or I can embrace it and go with it and enjoy each stage, each new discovery, each and every minute of everyday. And later, when its over and done, then and only then, I can blink. And cry. And eventually find the joy that comes from knowing that I was there for everything.
My kids never had to miss me because I was there and available. They never had to face the world alone and be afraid, because I was their greatest cheerleader standing on the sideline. They never lacked self confidence because I spent my days telling them that God made them just the way they are and He loves them and so do I. They never got into trouble like other kids, because I taught them to use the Bible as the guideline for every moment of their lives. They never have to worry about pain and letting go because I taught them to never blink. To enjoy every moment, good or bad, happy or sad, whether they feel good or not, whether they need to work, or go to the store, or take care of a sick baby or an aging parent, whether they feel like there is no hope or if they are on top of the world...JUST DON"T BLINK! Life only happens once, live it to the fullest.